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Everything in life is really a mirror of ourselves. We see ourselves
in other people and in everything we interact with.. It is not
possible to experience and label anything that is not a part of
ourselves. The story I make up about the world is based on my belief
and assumptions. I project my beliefs, ideas, and opinions onto
everyone and everything and further believe I truly know something.

I project the worst and best of myself

-I project the worst of myself onto people I don't like.
"She is selfish, She is non-commital, She is shallow, She is sexless,
She is controlling"

If I believe a certain behavior means someone is being selfish, and I
see someone exhibiting those behavior, without question I will label
that person "selfish"

WHAT I DON'T ACCEPT IN MYSELF, I DO NOT ACCEPT IN ANOTHER

-I project the best of myself onto people I admire, love
"She is kind, She is compassionate, She is intellgent"

When my mind is quiet, It seem like I have a internal judge who
constantly telling me and others have done wrong. An "inner child" .
We all have many aspect of our personality that are complete
contradictor.

A part of me is nice, and then there is another part that want to mean
to see other people suffer.

A part of me is frugal, and another part is extravagant

A part of me is non-controlling, and another part is.

A part of me is responsible, and another part of me want to forget everything

A part of me is sexual, another part is not

A part of me is weak, another part is strong

These Identites that appear and disappear when they are needed
reflects that we play many roles and assume various identies. There is
no"ONE SELF " that can be pinned down and relied upon under all
circumstance. There are many, many parts of me and they all have same name......I

MAIN BELIEF: love is everything
PROJECTION: my lover is perfect and bring all wonderful things to me
SELF-TALK: If I have this person, I'll have everything, then I'll be happy
BENEFIT: sex, romance
PROBLEM: I am often disappointed
HOW I AM RECOGNIZED: I am obsessively attentive
WHAT WILL HAPPEN:I become resentful and will ask..what about me

MAIN BELIEF:Jump in with both feet or don't jump a allPROJECTION:
Those who don't give their all in relationship are insincere
SELF-TALK: I wil do whatever it takes to make this last for the rest of my life
BENEFIT:I am willing to go through hard times
PROBLEM: I confuse merging with commitment
HOW I AM RECONIZED: I envy couples
WHAT WILL HAPPEN: the envy become too much and i just have sex

MAIN BELIEF: If I am good enough, my partner won't get mad at me
PROJECTION: she am angry and unhappy and it is my fault
SELF-TALK: She is unhappy. How can i fix this?
BENEFITS: I am tender
PROBLEM: My effort is to fix everything

We completely identifty with one part of the personality, there is
little, if any awareness other view points exist. We must learn to
disidentify, we must step back into just another aspect of the
conditioned self and find that we are stuck in suffereing, spinning
our wheels as usual.

If I am angry, for instance, and I step back from the feelings,
thoughts, and energy of that anger and find I am judging myself for
being that way, alarm go off in my head: "Judge alert. This guy is
just another identity, Disidentigy again and return to center

IF YOU ARE JUDGING OR BEING JUDGED, ANOTHER OF YOUR IDENTITIES IS AT WORK. When you are centered, there is no identification.

I project constantly from my different identities, these parts of
myself, and the positions I hold. How I see the world at any given
point depends on which part of me I'm identified as.

We are all, each and every single solitary one of us, attach to BEING
RIGHT. We tolerate other people's dissimilarities for a while, but
each of us fundamentally think other people are wrong. Wrong is
defined as doesn't support my identity. We believe our conditioning so deeply, when we run into something that opposese it, that thing is wrong.(And when we do not live in keeping with our conditioning, we believe we are wrong). We react to threats to our idenitity as if our
survival were at stake. Therefore if I have thrown my lot in with yours, and you prove to be too different from me, I must conclude you are wrong. This is the only way I can keep my identity intact, the only way "I" wil survive. This is why people can't get along.

I can take a look at what goes on with me when things are not the way i want then to be, when external circumstances do not match up with my internal program. I can learn how that operates within me, makes peace with that and open to a whole variety of responses other htan being narrow, confining.

When I am no longer concerned with who's right and who's wrong. who's good and who's bad, who's at fault and who gets credit, When I am no longer threatened when soemone whats to live in a way different from me, I can be open enough to find solutions to the problems.

If someone close to me disagree with how i see something, one of us
has to be wrong. If one of us is wrong, one of us is not good. if one
of us is not good, one of us is not lovable. The belief is to be right
is to be good, to be good is to be lovable. Another common belief is
If i can just explain my position clear wnough to you, you will agree
with me. The reason you don't agree is that you don't understand what i"m saying. You don't understand because either I haven't been clear or you aren't listening. It is difficult for us to imagine that someone can understand what we are saying, not agree with us, have
another opinion, and still love us. We are both acting from a conditioning we needed to surviv as children; we both feel if either lets; the other talk us out of our position, we won't survive.

As long as we identify with the illusion of being separate, as long as
we believe we are separate self who is in control, and as long as we
see ourselves alone, we will be lonely. We will try to escape the
aching loneliness through many avenues, but there is not escape. As
long as I am maintaining and defending a separate self, i will suffer
from the loneliness of feeling separate. No relationship will give me
the closeness, intimacy, and connectedness from which identifying with
a separates self excludes me. If I am ever to have a relationship I
want, I must face squarely this false identity I have spent my life
maintaining. I must see through it and face it down. I must find the
willingness to stop hiding, defending, pretending, and denying. I must
see, my conditioning---not myself, for I cannot see myself until I
have seen my conditioning- and stop believing it has anything to do
with me.

So here I am in a relationship and I decided the other person isn't
perfect. But I am convinced that if I try hard enough and set a
perfect example, I can make the other person perfect. I demonstrate
through subtle, discreet, shrewd, tactful means how to be an open
warm, vulnerable, loving, honest partner. This is jsut swell until I
begin to get it that the other person is not responding. Prehaps then
redouble my efforts. Maybe I'm too substle and tactful because if I
weren't, surely the person would understand and be different, right?
Again this is what we learned from our parents. And they learned it
from theirs and so on. After a while, if I can't fix the other person,
I'm going to start outright training method:
-withhold affection
-become cold
-snap irritably
-say sarcastic things
-put them down in front of others

Fear of abandonment has nothing to do with anyone other than ourselves. It's origin is in childhood when I learn to believe that I must make an agreement to leave myself, focus attention on someone else, struggle to be what that person wants, and try to get from that
person what I need to survive. My fear of abandoment is not because my mother wasn't attentive to me, no because my father didn't give me enough time, not because of sexual, emotional or physical abuse. My fear is because of the original abandoment of myself. the agreement I made as a child. We learn to leave ourselves in order to be and do what someone else wnats. This is, in essence, abandoning ourselves and choosing someone else. Sadly, for many this become a definition of love. So if you love someone, you are willing to abandon yourself to
do or be what they want. :if you love me, you will abandon yourself for me. if I love you, i will abandon myself for you.

I continue to abandon myself almost moment-by-moment, for someone else's approval, a better job, sex...

At the beginning of any relationship, i love the excitement and the
romance. I feel like me and the other person are on the same page.
After a while ( weeks, months, years) it begins to feel less like a
vacation, In fact, it feels like I have returned home and gone back to
work. This exciting relationship has become a chore.

We all have an identity who treats others the way you were treated as an child. I must let go of any idea of control, or knowing, or being right.

The reason I am not loved is that I am bad/wrong

and what I need to do is improve myself until I am right/good

Okay. No Problem. I can do this. Now I have done alot of work. I am
far less controlling in relationship than I used to be.

I don't feel more loved. In fact, I feel depressed , angry and
resentful.How can this be?

In a way, I am able to suffer nearly every moment. If I am constantly comparing this moment with an imaginary moment in which everything is as ti should be. There is no different, no should, no better, no other.